


Welcome to the Shitshow, Motherfuckers

by GremlinTheCorvax



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers, Homestuck
Genre: 2020 ends with an apocalypse because of course it does, F/F, F/M, Gen, Hetalia Countries Using Human Names, M/M, NA bros, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Please Send Help, all kinds of sibling chaos, asia is a slightly less dysfunctional family, def not canon compliant, i wouldnt be surprised, im dying over here, like not even close, like this year has been hell, please, so many fucking characters why did i do this, the author cannot tag for the life of them, the british empire is basically just one giant dysfunctional family, there are a bunch more characters im just too lazy to list all of them, this fic is sponsored by Executive Dysfunction (TM), why wouldnt it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:35:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28071069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GremlinTheCorvax/pseuds/GremlinTheCorvax
Summary: 48 countries play Sburb and cause the apocalypse as the perfect end to 2020.They're split into four sessions, each believing that the twelve of them are the only survivors, until they start getting some weird messages...Hetastuck crossover, pretty much just pure chaos
Relationships: Canada/Russia (Hetalia), Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Denmark/Norway (Hetalia), England/France (Hetalia), Finland/Sweden (Hetalia), Germany/North Italy (Hetalia), Greece/Japan (Hetalia), Hong Kong/Iceland (Hetalia), John Egbert/Roxy Lalonde, Latvia/Liechtenstein (Hetalia), Minor or Background Relationship(s), Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, Seychelles/Taiwan (Hetalia), South Italy/Spain (Hetalia), Terezi Pyrope & Vriska Serket
Comments: 9
Kudos: 10





	1. Disc 1, part 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Sglobe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/628043) by [SirFunkalo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SirFunkalo/pseuds/SirFunkalo). 



> okay i know it says inspired by but this is really just a blatant ripoff if i'm being honest
> 
> i found it and was like hmmmm this hasn't updated since 2013 and i really like the concept maybe i can do something with it?  
> i also didn't originally intend to post it anywhere but uh  
> here we are  
> so if anybody has a chumhandle that isn't dumb as shit i probably just took it from Sglobe :Y
> 
> updating is going to be all kinds of inconsistent if i even update it at all bc i suck at writing linearly  
> like i have written everything but the next chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to my friend for beta reading this despite being neither a homestuck nor a hetalian
> 
> and getting pretty much no explanation from me on anything
> 
> and still reading it anyway
> 
> love ya

**> Enter disc 1.**

Loading…

Your name is Alfred F. Jones, personification of the United States of America, and today is the day you get to play the (alleged) greatest game ever made in the history of mankind. You say alleged because despite all the hype, no matter how deep you dig on the Internet, you can’t actually find anyone who made it more than fifteen minutes into the game. The first bit is all “wow! can’t believe I got the game, I’m so excited to play, this is so cool!” and then after that it just… cuts off. You can’t find a single completed walkthrough.

Okay, there’s _one_ completed walkthrough, an unbelievably wordy bit by some girl writing like it’s 2008 and she’s enrolled in the Junior Course of Crypticism and Horseshit, but you have neither the time nor attention span to get through more than a paragraph, so it doesn’t count. You guess you’re gonna have to wing it. That’s fine, though! Walkthroughs just spoil the game anyway!

You’re just chilling at the moment, waiting for your brother to text you so you can get this show on the road and wondering who else is going to be joining you in your awesome virtual adventure. You’d be surprised if Francis doesn’t wind up playing. Matt’s been bugging him for weeks the same way you’ve been bugging Arthur. You have the nagging feeling that Russia’s going to show up (“I don’t care how much you don’t like him, Al, you don’t get to control who I’m friends with!”) but you hope he at least stays away from you. This is supposed to be fun, after all! Arthur… might not play just to spite you. He’d do that. Or he _would_ , but Matt, Michelle, and Leon have all been bothering him incessantly too, and they’re definitely the favorite children. Especially Matt.

Speak of the devil, your phone buzzes.

Mattie:

Al you have to download a chat thing for the game

pesterchum download link 

Huh. That’s weird.

Cool Dude:

whaaaaat? why?

Mattie:

Dunno 

You need the login to open the game

Cool Dude:

man thats bs

ok gimme a sec

Mattie:

Message me when you get it set up

Handle’s mapleVeranda

Pesterchum is a horrendous shade of neon yellow and reminds you of certain Tumblr accounts you came across (or managed) during the dark ages of the Internet. You absolutely do not understand why the game would need you to have an account on _this_ of all platforms, but alas. Such is fate. You speed through the signup process— which doesn’t even require an email, so at least you know they aren’t going to be flooding your inbox— skip the Terms and Conditions, and only pause when you have to choose a chumhandle.

That’s like a screen name, right? You glance back at your texts and decide to hell with it, if Matt gets to meme on his country, so do you.

freedomBurger [FB] began pestering mapleVeranda [MV]

FB: maaaaattttttiiiiiiie

FB: do we get to play the game now

MV: Hahahaha

MV: I’m sorry but freedomBurger? Really?

FB: ey shaddap you have maple in yours

MV: Lmao ok whatever

MV: You have the client installed?

Oh. Right. You sift through the mess on your desk for the two discs you got in the mail a few days ago (really, game discs? In 2020?) and come up one short. Oh hell.

FB: uhhhhh i have 1/2 

FB: missing the server it got lost in all my shit

FB: or tony took it 

MV: Oof

MV: Eh idk if you’ll need the server it’s probably fine

FB: k

FB: hey im gonna call you so we can talk easier

MV: That’s probably a good idea

freedomBurger [FB] ceased pestering mapleVeranda [MV]

Matthew picks up the phone, and you are greeted by the sounds of video game music and Kumajiro whining in the background. “Okay, I’m loading up the server. Have you read a walkthrough or something?”

You tear enough of your attention away from the hypnotic loading screen to answer. “Uh… no? I couldn’t find any completed ones. Figured I’d just wing it.”

“Oh. Well, I found one. I’m going to read it as we go along. Make sure we’re at least a little on track, you know?” You mumble your agreement and let yourself sink back into the spiraling patterns on your laptop screen. There’s a couple seconds of typing sounds and a ping from over the phone, and Matthew’s quiet _“what the…”_

“Hey, Al?”

“Yeah?” You type your new Pesterchum handle into the space given and watch the next, significantly less interesting, loading screen start up.

“How did you find me on Pesterchum?”

“I typed mapleVeranda into the little search bar and you popped up. Why?”

“Someone just messaged me, and I have no idea who it is.”

“Oh.” You glance at your Pesterchum. No new notifications. “Huh.”

More tapping sounds from over the phone. “Yeah, this is weird. She won’t tell me how she found me.”

“What’s her tag?”

“tipsyGnostalgic. Pink text, name’s Roxy.” There’s a lull as Matt continues to type, your game finishes loading (“waiting for server player,” it says. You mentally will your server player to hurry the fuck up), and you send a message tipsyGnostalgic-ward.

freedomBurger [FB] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

FB: yo! this is maples brother, i got him to give me your tag haha

FB: was just curious, howd ya find him?

[ **ERROR** ] The chumhandle tipsyGnostalgic is not in use.

Uh. “Matt, can you spell out her tag?” He does. You double-check as he does. Yeah, you spelled that right. “Okay. I messaged her. With the correct spelling. And Pesterchum says she doesn’t exist?”

“That’s… weird. She also says she’s not playing the game, and I honest to god cannot imagine why anyone would download this app if it wasn’t necessary. Everything is such an obnoxious color.” A few more moments of keyboard sounds, and Matthew seems to have resolved or at least postponed his conversation with Mystery Pink Text Girl. “Okay. Game.”

“Yes. Game. It says waiting for server player. I’m guessing that’s you.”

“That is me. Okay, how do I…” You can hear him clicking around on his end, and then your screen fades to a simple message: connection established. You cheer.

“Alright! What now?” The screen doesn’t change. White background, black text, nothing else.

Matt lets out an incredulous laugh. “What the fuck?”

“What? What are you seeing? My screen’s either frozen or—” you hear a shuffle from behind you and turn around, ready to either ask Tony what the hell happened to your server disc or do your best to herd Commodore out of your office, and come face to face with a floating blue arrow the size of your torso, styled to look like the Sburb logo.

You screech, flail backwards off of your chair, and land on your ass. Matthew’s laughter reaches you from where your phone sits on the desk.

“Dude, what the fuck is— there’s a giant arrow in my house!”

“I know, Al, I’m controlling it.”

“You’re WHAT?”

“I think this is part of the game.”

“Wha—” You cautiously stand up and approach the arrow. It doesn’t move. “No way.”

“Here, I’m going to pick up your phone.” The arrow dips past you towards your desk. Your phone sticks to the point (without being impaled, thank god) and is lifted in front of your face. “See?”

“Holy shit,” you whisper, taking the phone. “Where has— where did this tech come from?” You try to remember the company logo that was in the corner of the envelopes the game came in. Letters? An atom symbol, you think?

“Dunno.” The arrow (...cursor? Is that what it is on Matthew’s screen?) floats away and phases through your door. _What the fuck._ Matt continues to talk, like this is completely normal. “There’s a bit of a tutorial here. I’m supposed to deploy things?”

“Uh… what things?”

“I dunno. Machines. They look kind of big.” You follow the cursor as it floats around your house. “Jesus, Al, do you have a single room in your house that isn’t this cluttered?” Matt asks, the cursor peeking into Tony’s room.

“Yeah, uh, there’s the guest room? That’s pretty clean, I think.”

“That works.” The cursor goes up a floor— straight through the floor, the same way it went through the door, _what the fuck—_ and you feel the house shake as some very big objects appear out of what you can only assume is thin air. Your phone pings at you.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering freedomBurger [FB]

EB: hey!

FB: hi?

EB: i know this is probably kind of weird, but i was hoping we could talk

EB: i’m john, what’s your name?

FB: alfred

FB: hey howd you get my handle?

FB: cuz my brother also got a message like this pretty much as soon as he downloaded pesterchum and its more than kinda weird

EB: oh hehe

EB: trade secret :B

FB: dont like the sound of that but alright

EB: you’re playing sburb, right?

FB: uh yeah lmao why else would i download this shitty app

EB: okay, cool!

FB: why do you wanna play

EB: no, i’ve played the game before

EB: if i played again it wouldn’t be nearly as fun hehe

FB: oookay

FB: can you tell me what the hell is going on then?

FB: because i just watched a giant cursor go straight through my floor and the house is shaking and my brother is acting like this isnt weird at all

EB: oh yeah, that’s all just part of the game

EB: weird shit happens, you’ll get used to it

FB: fantastic

FB: hold on a sec i think matts trying to impale me 

EB: okay?

“All large machines have been deployed,” Matt informs you. “Also I dropped a lamp on top of this thing called the cruxtruder and now there’s a countdown? And, uh…”

“Yeah?”

“Okay, Al, I’m going to need you to not freak out.”

His words immediately send you into a mild panic. “What? Did you break something? Matthew I swear to god—”

“You’re freaking out. I need you to not do that.”

“Okay, okay.” You manage to wrangle yourself into a state of what could loosely be described as calm. “Just tell me?”  
“Tony may have gotten hit in the head with the lamp. And he’s not moving.”

It takes a moment for what he says to sink in. “WHAT?!” You sprint upstairs at record speed and burst into the guest room. Sure enough, there are several large machines, one of which has a countdown for roughly ten minutes, a weird glowing blue thing, and a slightly dented brass lamp you bought in the 20s laying on top of your incredibly dead alien bestie. “Matt! You fucking killed him!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I swear!” Matt picks up the lamp and returns it to its original spot. “I was just trying to open the thingy!”

“Oh my god…” You take a moment to fall dramatically to your knees and silently mourn the loss of Tony. There’s the sound of muffled hooves coming down the hallway, and then a floating dog collar next to you as Commodore does the same.

The moment is ruined as your phone starts pinging again.

EB: alfred?

EB: i can tell you about the game

EB: give you some tips you know

EB: without spoiling anything, if you care about that kind of thing

FB: dammit okay i know you cant see whats going on

FB: but my friend just got hit in the head by a flying lamp and fucking died

FB: can i have a minute

EB: oh :(

EB: sorry

FB: fuuuuuuuck

EB: wait

EB: have you opened the cruxtruder yet?

FB: uh yeah

FB: matt threw the lamp at it and it bounced off and thats why tonys dead

EB: oh!

EB: okay there should be a floating glowy ball somewhere around 

EB: it’s called the kernelsprite

FB: john my friend just died can i have a damn minute

EB: no no listen

EB: you’re supposed to prototype it by throwing things into it, and then it becomes like a guide for you through the game

EB: but whatever you throw in there first will affect the enemies you have to fight later so give it something kinda dumb and then if you want to you can put your friend in

FB: wait really? :0

FB: is that allowed?

EB: yeah! my sprite was my grandma, because her ashes accidentally fell on the kernel

FB: thats 

FB: okay im gonna do that

FB: thanks!

EB: no problem! :B

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering freedomBurger [FB]

“Al? I’m really, really sorry, are you okay?”

You take a deep breath. “Yeah. Some mystery blue text guy messaged me. I think…” It feels stupid to say out loud. “I think I can bring him back.”

There’s a moment of silence. Then Matthew says, “Oh. With the kernelsprite, right?”

You weren’t expecting that. “Yeah. How’d you know?”

“The walkthrough I found. It’s really long and kind of insufferably written, but it’s still pretty thorough.”

“Okay, well.” You stand up and look around the room. “John said to throw something dumb in first because it affects the enemies in the game. What’s something dumb we can throw in there?”

Matt hums, and you can hear him clicking around. The cursor disappears for a bit, and then nudges the door open, an orange floral-patterned button up hanging off the point. “This?”

“Dude, no. You are not throwing my last shitty tourist shirt in the seizure kernel.”

“Your last? Don’t you have, like, a million of these?”

“No, I don’t, because _someone_ keeps fucking stealing them!” You don’t know what angle Matt’s seeing you from on his computer, so you stare accusingly at the cursor. “You know who might be stealing all my shirts, _Matthew?”_

“I’m not stealing your shirts, Al.”

“Then who is?”

“How should I know? Mex, maybe?”

Yeah, that makes sense. “Okay. Fine. Just… as soon as this is over, I’m going down to his place and getting all my shirts back.”

“Of course.” The shirt flings itself at the kernel and the room lights up with a blinding blue light. When it fades, lo and behold, the floating blue ball has turned into a floating blue tacky shirt. It babbles something at you that sounds the way the shirt’s pattern looks, but with more static.

You blink at it stupidly. “Matt, is it… is the shirt talking to me?” The shirt buzzes harder, speeding around the room before coming to a stop next to the cruxtruder and babbling harder in static leaf-language. The countdown reads 2:14.

2:13.

2:12.

You’re bending down to pick up Tony and chuck him into the shirt when Matt speaks up. “I really don’t like the look of that countdown. Can we figure out what we’re supposed to be doing first and worry about Tony later?”

“Dude, this’ll take maybe two seconds. Come on.”

Matt sighs. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll start moving things around while you do that.” The cursor lifts a blue cylinder out of the cruxtruder (what is that made of? Glass?) and sets it and a small card next to Big Machine #2 as you hoist Tony up over your shoulder and carry him to the agitated shirtsprite. It calms down enough for you to dump him in, and another flash of light fills the room.

It fades after a couple seconds, and there’s Tony, not exactly alive but at least _here,_ made of blue light and wearing your shitty floral button up. He stares at you, turns to look at the cruxtruder, and then whips back around.

“Bitch!”

“Hey, dude, what the hell? I just brought you back from the dead!”

“Fucking bitch!” He points at the countdown. 1:47. 1:46. 1:45.

“What?!”

“What is he saying?” Matt asks.

“We have a minute and for— a minute and thirty-eight seconds until a meteor crashes into my house and kills me, what the _fuck_?” You trip over yourself trying to get to the thingamajig Matt put the card and cylinder next to. “What do we— how do I work this thing?” 

“Fucking.” Tony elbows you aside and slots the card into the machine. “Fucking bitch…” He presses a button, and the cylinder is carved into…

Yeah, you have no idea what that is. It looks like a vase, kind of, but it’s not hollow. Whatever it is, Tony shoves it into your arms and points at Big Machine #3. “Fucking.”

“Okay, okay.” You stick it on a pedestal and press some buttons, and an apple appears on the big platformy bit. “What do I do with this?” The countdown reads 1:01. 1:00. 0:59.

There’s a crash from over the phone, and Matt yelps. “Al, I have to go. Are you good without me?”

You look at Tony. He nods. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Okay, I’ll… I’ll call you later. Don’t die. Please. Bye.” He hangs up, and you look at the countdown again. 

0:52. 0:51. 0:50.

You hold the apple up to Tony. “Seriously, dude, what do I do with this?”

“Bitch!” He pushes it towards your face.

You aren’t too sure about the nutritional value of glowing blue apples— hell, you’re not even sure this thing is entirely edible, what with it appearing out of thin air and _glowing blue—_ but you’ll take indigestion over death any day. You take a bite. It tastes like the most generic-ass Fuji apple you’ve ever had, but with the same texture as a candle and an aftertaste like how you imagine the liquid inside a glow stick would taste.

Gross.

The world glows that same shade of blue outside the window, and you see just the faintest hint of red from the incoming meteor before everything fades to black.

**> Be Canada.**


	2. Disc 1, part 2

**> Be Canada.**

Your name is Matthew Williams.

You have just apparently helped your brother escape death by killing his friend via a lamp to the head, and now there is a very large sofa on top of your pet bear. Karma is, it seems, a fucking bitch.

Your laptop pings as your server player starts apologizing for the fifth time in as many minutes.

ES: Matvey I’m so sorry

ES: Oh my god

ES: Poor Kuma

MV: Katya, it’s fine, really

ES: Fine?

ES: I just killed Kumajiro!

MV: Yeah, I killed Tony on accident in pretty much the same way.

MV: There’s a way to bring him back, don’t worry

ES: There is?

MV: Yeah, just give me a moment.

You head to the kitchen to find something dumb to throw in the seizure kernel. On the way, a horribly kitschy fancy Santa figurine that Alfred gave you as a gag gift catches your eye.

Eh, what the hell.

Katyusha lifts the sofa off of Kuma’s body, and you throw the Santa and your bear at the kernelsprite in quick succession, sparing a glance at the countdown on the cruxtruder as you do so.

6:32. Better than what Al had.

You hope he’s not dead.

The blinding red light fades to a dull glow surrounding the newly formed Kumasantasprite, who mostly just looks confused as hell. “Canada?”

“Hey, Kuma. Kat says sorry about the couch.”

Kuma looks around at the room, cluttered with machines and a large cursor searching for a place to put the totem lathe. “Oh.”

You return to your computer to see a message from Mystery Pink Text Girl, Roxy.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering mapleVeranda [MV]

TG: pst

TG: hey maple

TG: i know ur kinda busy rn but when u get the chance u should download this

TG:  gristtorrent.exe 

TG: i swear this program saved our fkin lives at some point

TG: anyway

TG: thats all

TG: good luck ;)

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering mapleVeranda [MV]

That is nothing if not suspicious.

A quick glance at the window Al’s house should be on is even more anxiety-inducing. It’s just black. You hope that means you’ve done your job and he’s now somewhere else, and not that he’s dead.

MV: Hey Kat?

ES: Yes?

MV: Have you figured out who’s going to be your server?

MV: We have to complete the chain somehow, right?

ES: Yes, Natalia is in the process of installing the server now

ES: How is Fedya doing?

MV: I don’t know, I can’t see him

MV: His timer was down to less than a minute when the couch fell on Kuma

MV: So I just…

MV: Hope he and Tony got out

ES: I hope so too.

ES: But right now we need to focus on getting *you* out 

MV: Right, okay

You’re glad Katya agreed to play this game with you.

Five minutes and fifty three seconds later, you are smashing open a glowing red jar with your hockey stick as a giant space rock bears down on your house and watching as the world disappears around you.

**> Okay, now back to Alfred.**

You are once again Alfred, four and a half minutes in the past, in a different house, slowly regaining consciousness.

The first thing you notice is the numbness.

That space in the back of your head, where you should be feeling your land and millions of people, is empty. The last time you felt that was… you can’t even remember. It must have been when you were really little. Roanoke, maybe? 

You decide you don’t like it.

When you open your eyes, you find yourself on the floor of the guest room. It’s dark. You can just make out the shapes of the giant machines Matt dumped all over the place in the faint blue glow coming from Tony, who’s staring at you from the bed.

“Bitch.”

“Bitch yourself.” You sit up and look out the window. It’s pitch black outside. “Where are we?”

“Fucking bitch.”

“Huh. So, like, a world inside the game?”

“Fucking.”

You switch on the lights and— no, actually, you don’t. You flip the switch, but nothing happens. “Dude, is the power out?”

“Fucking bitch.”

“What? Okay, fine, where’s the generator?”

Tony shrugs. “Fucking bitch.” It almost sounds apologetic.

“What do you mean you took it apart? Dude!” Something rubs against your hand. You definitely do not scream. “Wha— oh, hi Commodore.” You feel around the air above the collar until you find the space between the unicorn’s ears and scratch absently. “Don’t suppose you know what to do about the power situation?” Commodore does not respond. Or maybe he does, and you just can’t hear it.

Can unicorns talk? You’ll have to ask Arthur.

You decide to send a quick text to Matt.

Cool Dude:

hey so theres like a world inside sburb apparently????

The message doesn’t send. No service, the top of your screen helpfully informs you. Fantastic. You relay your frustrations to Tony.

“Fucking bitch,” he says.

“Oh, dude, actually? That’s… pretty cool, I guess. Still a shitty interface.”

freedomBurger [FB] began pestering mapleVeranda [MV]

FB: dude!!

FB: theres like a whole world inside of sburb or something

FB: tony says its called the medium?

FB: anyway im there

FB: didnt die

FB: but i have no power and tony fucking cannibalized our generator for whatever he was building last week apparently so uh

FB: also i have no service but pesterchum works just fine

FB: for some reason

FB: hey mattie

FB: u there

MV: Give me a moment

FB: o are you busy

MV: Yes

FB: ok im gonna go try to figure out the power situation then

You’re a bit apprehensive about leaving the guest room, if you’re being honest, but Tony picks up Commodore (you think) and heads right out, so you guess it’s fine?

The house is silent. Your footsteps and the faint hum of Tony’s… existence are the only sounds around. Oh, and your increasingly anxious breathing, of course. Can’t forget that.

You’re half expecting a monster to jump out at you from behind a corner, maybe wearing a rendition of the shirt you prototyped— you aren’t exactly sure what John meant when he said it would affect your enemies in-game— but nothing like that happens. Something shifts in the shadows and you jump. Commodore’s collar emerges from that direction, tilted like a curious dog’s head, and you breathe a sigh of relief. _It’s just my mind playing tricks on me,_ you think to yourself. _Nothing to be worried about. Nothing’s going to just come up behind me and—_

“Fucking bitch,” Tony suddenly says from behind you, and you screech.

“Dude! Don’t sneak up on me like that!”

“Bitch!”

“Yes you did! Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack!”

Tony scoffs. “Fucking.” He holds out a cobbled-together device that looks a bit like the generator you used to have.

“Uh, yeah, but does it still work?”

“Fucking.”

“Sure.” Your phone pings on your way to set up the Tony-certified new-and-improved generator that hopefully won’t blow up.

MV: Okay I’m in the Medium

FB: wait what

FB: whos your server?

FB: r we gonna set up like a whole chain or smth

MV: Katyusha, and yeah I think so

MV: Natalia’s working on bringing her in right now, but I don’t know who else is playing after that

Well, damn. You like Nat, and Katya’s like an unofficial big sister to you, but if they’re playing, then that almost certainly means your dreams of a Russia-free game are complete toast.

FB: so whatd u do for your sprite

MV: Uhh so you know that giant crash right before I hung up?

FB: yeah?

MV: That was Katya dropping the sofa on the cruxtruder

MV: And then it falling straight onto Kuma’s face

FB: o shit right after u killed tony too

FB: when i say instant karma

MV: Lmao yeah I know right

MV: The first prototype was that ugly santa figurine you got me for christmas 

MV: And then Kuma

MV: And bam

MV: Kumasanta

FB: at least youll be able to remember his name now hehe

MV: Fuck you too

The generator does not blow up. The lights come on. Your house is intact. The ground drops away about ten feet from your door into the literal void, so it could be better, but hey. You’ll take what you can get.

FB: hey is your house floating in the void too?

MV: Uh

MV: No

MV: I’m trapped inside though 

MV: There’s about three feet of snow

FB: huh

FB: well im floating in the void

FB: guess we’re not in the same part of the medium?

MV: I don’t know

MV: Kuma is being frustratingly cryptic whenever I try to ask him anything

FB: hm

MV: So… meteors.

MV: We just caused the end of the world

FB: ...yes

FB: are you worried about like

FB: dying or anything?

MV: Do you think we’ll fade?

FB: i hope not

MV: But if all our people are dead… 

FB: and our land turns into a burning hellscape

FB: hey if gil survived dissolution so can we

MV: But he became East Germany

MV: Like he had something else to become

MV: This isn’t dissolution, this is the apocalypse

FB: dammit matt im trying to not go into an existential panic here

MV: Oh sorry

You just know he isn’t actually sorry. Nobody would believe you if you told them what a bastard he is.

MV: It’s so weird not being able to feel your people

FB: i knowwww

FB: i dont like it

MV: It feels familiar too like

MV: I don’t think this has ever happened before?

FB: i was thinking roanoke

MV: Hm

MV: Maybe

MV: I dunno

FB: so what do we do now?

FB: does your walkthrough have any advice

MV: I thought you wanted to wing it?

FB: uh yeah that was before i found out this game destroys the world and sucks us into another reality

FB: idc about spoilers now

MV: Okay well

MV: We’re supposed to complete a chain of 12 which I think is the maximum number of people that can fit into the game

FB: oh shit

FB: 12????

FB: thats like

FB: 183 of that are still dying

FB: no more because like

FB: regionals and micronations and all

FB: shiiiiiiiit :(

MV: I know

MV: But I don’t think there’s much we can do about it

FB: fuck okay

FB: so chain of 12

MV: Yes

MV: You have until the 12th person is about to die to find your server disc

FB: do you know who that’s gonna be?

MV: Nope

MV: Okay if this is going to be our main method of communication I’m going to need to figure out how to change the color

MV: My eyes are bleeding

FB: hah same

FB: but like what are WE doing

FB: theres no way the games over that fast

MV: I need to build up your house to the gates

MV: You fight shit so I have material to build

FB: gates?

MV: Have you not seen the giant glowing spirograph things over your house?

FB: uhhhhh no i haven’t

FB: hold on

You lean out the back door and take a gander. Sure enough, there are a bunch of giant glowing spirograph things over your house. You look at Tony. “Are those important?”

Tony gives you a Look. “Fucking bitch.”

“Yeah, okay, that’s what I figured.”

FB: okay yes i have seen the giant glowing spirograph things over my house

MV: Those are the gates.

MV: They lead… I don’t know where they lead but we have to build up to them

MV: So there are these little enemy things called imps that might start showing up and wreaking havoc soon

MV: You kill them and they drop build material

FB: okay cool

FB: so i kill things and find my server

FB: you build 

FB: and we wait for the rest of the Not Dead Crew to show up

MV: Yeah

MV: I might be on and off though because I gotta kill things too

FB: cool cool

MV: Also have you checked out the cards yet?

FB: the what

MV: You should have gotten a stack of cards when you entered the Medium

MV: You can put shit in them like an inventory it’s pretty cool

FB: uh

FB: idk i havent seen any cards

MV: Hmm

MV: They were just

MV: On the alchemiter 

FB: hmm

“Hey Tony?”

“Fucking?”

“Am I supposed to get a set of magic inventory cards?”

“Bitch.” Tony pulls a stack of weird-looking cards out of nowhere— you don’t want to think about where he could have been keeping them— and hands them to you. They’re white with fuschia edges, except for the three with dark green. “Fucking bitch.”

“Oh, really? That’s pretty cool, dude!”

FB: ok tony had them

FB: he also said the green ones are for strifing, whatever that means

FB: weapons i think?

MV: Tony sounds like a much more helpful sprite than Kuma

FB: hehe sucks to suck maple boy

You hear a sound that definitely does not sound like Commodore. It’s a sort of rustling coming from outside, the kind of noise that makes you think you should be Home Alone-ing your house right about now. You peek out the kitchen window. Outside is a small figure that kind of looks like Tony, if Tony was made from shiny black plastic, had very sharp fingers, and was cosplaying as Santa on vacation.

FB: uhhhh okay i got imps

FB: or im guessing thats what that is?

MV: K

MV: If they start getting everywhere I can throw your fridge at them or something

FB: how do i fight them just punch them in the face?

FB: shoot them?

MV: Pretty much

MV: Go get us some grist gun boy

MV: Kick some imp ass

FB: yes sir (._.)>

freedomBurger [FB] ceased pestering mapleVeranda [MV]

**> Be someone else.**

You are now Natalia Arlovskaya. You are desperately trying to get your older sister into the Medium before she is hit by a meteor or your house burns down. It should be easy, but the forest fire roaring outside is more than a little distracting.

So is the mysterious purple text that just started messaging you.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gracefulNightshade [GN]

TT: I know you’re busy right now, so I’ll keep this short.

You ignore the rest of the messages. If they’re important, you can read them later. Right now, your focus is on the game.

Katyusha enters the Medium after what feels like far too long, and you turn your attention back to the situation outside. Miraculously, your house is not yet on fire, just the trees. You watch the small meteors fall for a moment, feeling the impacts reverberate in your stomach, before your computer pings.

winterSunflower [WS] began pestering gracefulNightshade [GN]

WS: I’ve installed the server

WS: Time to get you out of there

You feel a smile tugging at your mouth. This game might be causing the apocalypse, but it could still be a lot worse.

GN: thank you for agreeing to do this, brother

GN: yes, i’d like to get out of here before my house catches fire

WS: Of course

WS: Anything for my little sister (^J^)

GN: i’m going to hold you to that

WS: Please don’t

**> Why don't we check up on Matthew?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that marks the end of the only bit i've managed to write linearly :D  
> time to go waste my two weeks off from school and not actually do jack shit now that i have time
> 
> (jk jk i'm working on it i just  
> aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)


	3. Disc 1, part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year here's a chapter that wasn't beta read uwu

**> Why don’t we check up on Matthew?**

You are once again Matthew.

Alfred’s currently fuck deep in imps, and you’re doing your best to help him out by knocking them around with the fridge whenever you’re not building. You haven’t heard from Katyusha since you got into the Medium, and your house remains the same as it was before, normal-sized and imp-free, probably due to the weather. 

The snow has gotten deeper, piling up as high as the window over your kitchen sink. Yeah, imps can’t get in, but it also means you’re trapped inside your house. Housetrapped, if you will. No, that sounds stupid. Housebound? Hmm.

You shelve that train of thought for later as an ogre climbs out of the void into Al’s yard. The fridge comes down on its head and it stumbles, giving Alfred enough time to run out of its reach and shoot back at it. You smack it in the face with the fridge again. Tony shoots a laser at it. It looks offended. Al shoots it again, and it breaks apart into a bunch of those giant purple and blue things that kind of look like Gushers and disappear whenever Al or Tony touch them.

You see Al pull out his phone, and a second later, your computer pings with a Pesterchum notification.

freedomBurger [FB] began pestering mapleVeranda [MV]

FB: hey do u think the grist things taste like gushers?

MV: Wh

MV: Can you even eat them?

MV: They’re gaming abstractions

FB: idk

FB: i’m gonna try

Al reaches for a smallish piece of grist. It vanishes as soon as he touches it. He tries again, and manages to grab one without it disappearing. Kuma floats up behind you and frowns at your screen.

“What is he doing?”  
“Trying to eat grist. He wants to know if they taste like Gushers.”

You watch Alfred put the grist to his mouth and bite. It disappears and he makes a face, pressing his arm over his mouth.

FB: ew they taste nasty

FB: its like la croix but with even less fruit flavor and way more static

FB: don’t eat them

MV: Forbidden Gushers

MV: I don’t know what you were expecting

FB: idk for it to taste like gushers??

MV: Why would they actually taste like gushers?

FB: bro have you SEEN them

You snort at your brother’s antics and turn your attention to the sidebar. There are two more people available for you to pester. You guess it updates automatically? You wonder who they are. People in your session, maybe?

You are spared the confusion as one of them starts to pester you. A look back at the server screen tells you that Al and Tony are doing okay without you, so you go ahead and answer.

winterSunflower [WS] began pestering mapleVeranda [MV]

WS: Hello Matvey (^J^)

MV: Oh hey!

MV: Are you playing Sburb with us?

WS: Yes

WS: I’m waiting for my server to connect with me

WS: I don’t know who it will be though

MV: Yeah I don’t think anyone knows who’s going to end up playing anymore lmao

MV: Or what’s going to happen

MV: We’re really going in blind here

WS: Well, not exactly

MV: ?

WS: Natalia got a message from someone a few minutes ago with a few different resources

WS: The most helpful one right now seems to be an archived Reddit thread of people who have played the game giving advice

MV: Oh?

WS: Here

WS: I don’t know if the browser can still be opened in the Medium

[WS attached 12 image(s)]

MV: Oh that’s long

MV: Give me a sec

MV: Oh fuck there’s politics involved god dammit

WS: Yeah, I’m not looking forward to that either

WS: But at least we know what to expect

MV: Yep

MV: I found a walkthrough that I thought was complete

MV: Turns out the author went completely off the rails a few hours in, blew up her gates, and sent the walkthrough out to some other part of the Medium to be redistributed to other sessions as the universe sees fit

WS: ...Oh

MV: Yeah but it at least talks about all the machines and technical stuff at the beginning so.. *shrug*

WS: Hmm

WS: From what I can tell, most of the people who have played before are saying that it’s near impossible to play an ideal game with so many moving parts

WS: So our focus should be to reach the end goal by any means possible with minimal deaths

MV: Do you think we’ll still revive if we die here?

MV: I feel like that would be kinda unfair

WS: I don’t know

WS: Let’s not test that

MV: Good idea

You take a moment to knock around a few more imps who are flooding the house with the cylinder things from the cruxtruder and dump said cylinder things back in the guest bedroom. Al gives the cursor a thumbs-up and goes back to punching imps.

Oh, right, that might be a problem.

MV: So are you gonna be able to work with Al without killing him

WS: Maybe

WS: We shall see

MV: Oh god I’m gonna have to babysit you two aren’t I

WS: I can always just try to avoid him

MV: Yes, please do that

WS: ^ ^

WS: I have to go, Yao connected to me

MV: Aight

MV: Don’t get meteor’d

WS: I’ll try

winterSunflower [WS] ceased pestering mapleVeranda [MV]

You return to the server screen to see Alfred thrashing around in his living room, half-buried in imps and probably screaming bloody murder. Oops.

You wonder if you can pick up imps with the cursor. A quick test determines that no, you can not, so you start hitting them with the fridge again instead. Tony floats in and starts spewing lasers. The room is quickly covered in Forbidden Gushers.

The last few imps flee the scene before you or Tony can get them, and Al flops down on the couch and pulls out his phone.

freedomBurger [FB] began pestering mapleVeranda [MV]

FB: ok i know you said you’d be on and off bc killing things but that was the worst timing ever

MV: Sorry

MV: I wasn’t even killing things I was talking to one of our session mates

MV: Got a much better source of info for the game than the walkthrough I found

FB: o?

FB: do share

[MV attached 12 image(s)]

FB: o???

MV: Yeah

FB: wtf is fod tier

FB: *god tier

FB: or a lot of these things actually like

FB: frogs??

MV: Did you just ask what frogs are

FB: no i meant like

FB: wtf do frogs have to do with anything

MV: The dictionary definition of a frog is a tailless amphibian with a short squat body, moist smooth skin, and very long hind legs for leaping

MV: Or alternatively, Francis

FB: i know what a fucking frog is matt

FB: but what do they have to do with the game

MV: Dunno

MV: Can’t you ask Tony?

FB: ? whats wrong with kuma’s sprite knowledge?

MV: He’s unhelpfully cryptic about everything and also I don’t know where he is right now

FB: hmmm

FB: no tony’s also being unhelpful

MV: Damn okay

FB: guess well find out when we find out

FB: w8 you said you talked to session mate?

MV: Yeah

FB: do you know whos playing then

MV: Uhhh

FB: like who did you talk to

MV: Ivan

Alfred drops his head and rubs at his eyes. Tony peeks over his shoulder at his phone and pats him on the back. You thank the universe that he isn’t blowing this too far out of proportion.

FB: dammit

FB: i mean nat and katya are playing so idk what i was expecting but dammit

MV: Oof

MV: If it makes you feel better he might just try to avoid you

MV: Dk how big the Medium is but you two can probably run around and do whatever without bumping into each other

FB: sdfhrofuhwjdf ok

The screen goes blurry as your eyes decide that they’ve had enough. You’re a lot more tired than you thought you’d be, you realize. You’ve been up since a bird crashed into your window at three in the morning. You share this sentiment with Al, and he tells you to sleep, that he’ll be fine on his own for a bit. Like he didn’t get himself buried in imps the last time you left him alone.

Nevertheless, you follow his advice and tuck your laptop away in your sylladex before heading up to your bedroom, flopping facedown onto your comforter, and passing out.

You hope no imps manage to get into the house while you’re asleep. Maybe Kuma can take care of them.

**> Matthew: Dream.**

You’re in a different room.

And in different clothes.

You’re pretty sure you have never owned anything like this pair of stupidly purple pajamas in your life.

This is probably the most vivid dream you’ve ever had, and it’s just you hanging out in a very purple room in very purple clothes. Why does your subconscious hate you so?

There isn’t a door to the room, so you peek out the window. A city, painted the same shade of intense dark purple because that is apparently the only color you can think of, stretches out far below. You’re in a tower of some kind, you realize.

You float out the window and take a look around. The city covers a small planet of some kind, connected to a larger version of the same planet by a giant chain so it orbits it like a moon. In one direction is a faint blue light, blocked by an asteroid belt, and in the other…

You turn the other way and find yourself staring into the void. The void stares back, which is more than a little unpleasant. You think you’ll stick with exploring the city for now.

The city residents look a bit like jointed dolls, with spherical heads, no visible facial features other than their eyes, and shiny black carapaces. That also makes them look a little like imps, which is unsettling. They stare at you as you wander around, some of them whispering to each other after you’ve passed. You wonder how they can talk without mouths. You catch the word _air_ multiple times as they start to talk behind your back. Or maybe it’s heir. Or err?

You decide that homophones are officially stupid.

There are five other towers like your own on the smaller planet— moon, whatever— and you wonder if you’ll find other people inside. A voice in the back of your head points out that this game is pretty weird already so, like, multiplayer dreams would make sense.

Dreams being multiplayer servers would be cool. You float over to the next tower and peek in through the window. There’s someone inside, fast asleep. You wonder who… 

That is Italy Romano.

What in the fuck is going on here?

You’re not quite lucid enough to wrap your head around this. You glance back at the void. The void whispers something, too quiet for you to make out. Other voices join it, until they’re loud enough to hear clearly but even more impossible to understand.

Romano looks like he’s having nightmares. You can relate.

The whispers die down after a moment. Your head feels like it’s filled with static. You float back to your own tower and flop onto the bed. Your eyes close, and you think vaguely about how tired you have to be to sleep inside a dream as you drift off.

**> Be someone else.**

You are now Yao Wang, slowly losing your mind as the apocalypse kills you in the most drawn-out, excruciatingly painful way possible. You’re spacing out a little more than you like, staring blankly at the server screen as Ivan runs around his house in the Medium, hitting imps with his pipe. Your lower back feels like it’s on fire, which makes sense, you guess. It’s still annoying, though.

You glance out your window to find the city slightly more on fire than it was a while ago, which is a little disconcerting, but to be expected. It is the end of the world, after all.

You’re going to miss this place.

A particularly large meteor crashes somewhere in Tibet and you wince. You haven’t felt this much pain all at once for a very, very long time. You wonder how long it’ll take for this to actually kill you. Maybe you’ll be able to stay dead this time.

Wasn’t someone supposed to be connecting with you?

thatsAmore [TA] began pestering pandaCulinarian [PC]

TA: Are you ready?

PC: Give me a second

TA: Take as long as you need

You put the apocalypse out of your mind and load up the client. The cursor appears and starts searching for a good place to put the machines. You hope he doesn’t break anything.

TA: Do you have something in mind for your sprite?

PC: No

PC: If you see anything that would work well go ahead and prototype it

TA: Oh, you’re leaving it up to me?

PC: Sure

PC: Is that a bad decision?

TA: Non, just not one I was expecting you to make

You find yourself following the cursor into the living room, where France dumps the machines, opens the cruxtruder, and starts searching for a decent item to prototype while you alchemize your entry item. A flash of light from the kernel distracts you with 20 seconds left on the clock.

France has prototyped Shinatty-chan’s mascot head.

You regret everything.

**> Alfred: Find your server disc.**

Tony’s rounding up the last of the imps in the house and there don’t seem to be any more climbing out of the void, so you decide to take the time to go through all the shit in your office. It’s probably better to find the server sooner rather than later.

Just one problem: your office is no longer in its normal state of semi-organized chaos. It looks like it’s been hit by a tornado. There’s some weird black oil smeared everywhere, and your shit’s been tossed all over the place.

Goddamn _imps._ Did they really have to trash your house this thoroughly?

You sit on the floor and sift through the piles of assorted papers and other random objects, trying to remember what the server envelope looked like. Did it have the house logo on it? The client had the house logo on it. Or did they look different? You think they did. The server had _something_ on it, what was it? A moon? A sun? A spirograph thingy like the ones over your house?

Right as you give up and flop back onto the carpet, surrounded by the mess like a TV character who just had either the epiphany that teaches them the moral of the story or the most cinematically fake mental breakdown to ever be filmed, Tony floats in. “Bitch?”

You sigh. “I can’t find the server anywhere, dude. I can’t even remember what it looks like.”

“Fucking bitch.”

“What? Where?” You sit up and start scanning the floor around you. “I don’t see it. Am I blind?”

“Fucking _bitch_.” Tony points out the window. You look out to see two imps sitting on the edge of the void, comparing things that they have apparently stolen from your house. One of them is holding an umbrella, and the other is— oh, _there’s_ the server. Right in the plasticky claws of one of those little shitbags.

The screen in that particular window’s already been wrecked (and you can guess by who, since it’s coated in the same oily shit that’s all over the rest of your house), so you have no problem scrambling out and running at the imps. Tony sticks his head out and shoots a laser, turning the one with the umbrella into grist. The imp holding the server looks terrified. It dodges your attempt to grab it and points its recently deceased friend’s umbrella at you like a weapon.

Tony calls out from the window. “Fucking!” He flaps his hand in your direction and you duck to the side as another laser obliterates the second imp, shredding the umbrella and covering the ground in grist.

The envelope with the server in it is dropped just a bit too far back and tumbles into the void. You lunge for it, nearly sending yourself over the edge as well before Tony catches you by the ankles and drags you back. You manage not to fall, but your glasses fly off your face. You grab at them, and only succeed in leaving a fingerprint on the left lens. 

Texas and the server disappear together into the void. You are now definitely down a disc and incredibly nearsighted.

You squint at the glowing blue blob that is probably Tony. “Thanks for catching me.”

He pats you on the shoulder. “Fucking bitch.” That is probably the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard him say.

You sit back away from the edge and glare at the void. “Okay, so what now? Do I just tell whoever ends up as the twelfth person they’re gonna have to die because an imp stole my server and then dropped it into the void?”

Tony shrugs and points upwards. “Fucking bitch.”

“What about the first gate?” The building Matt’s done on top of your house looks like it reaches about halfway up to the gate. You wonder if he’s still asleep.

“Fucking bitch.”

You sigh. “Okay. So I’m going to be blind until then, unless the imps were nice enough to leave my backup pair in one piece.”

“Bitch.”

You climb back through the window into your office and start looking for your backup glasses. You can only imagine how dumb you look, squinting suspiciously at everything. Eventually you find them, laying under your desk and broken as hell.

Fantastic.

You have a feeling it's going to be a long day.

**> Be Natalia.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the archived reddit thread mentioned is an actual thing i found while trying to figure out how an ideal sburb session would go so i could fuck things up differently than hussie did lmao
> 
> https://www.reddit.com/r/AskScienceFiction/comments/1804hy/homestuck_how_does_an_ideal_session_of_sburb_go/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=comments_view_all  
> (if you want to read it)


	4. Disc 1, part 4

**> Be Natalia.**

You are now Natalia.

Your attention is being split between defending yourself and keeping the imps in Katyusha’s house from causing too much chaos. Your sister herself doesn’t seem to mind the imps all that much, focusing mostly on building up Canada’s house. If you angle the camera the right way and squint, you can see him on her screen, facedown on his bed and presumably asleep.

A trio of imps sneak in through the back door, which you could have sworn you locked. Do these things know how to pick locks? You sure hope not. Your knife appears in your hand as you glare at the intruders. They freeze in their tracks and start slowly backing out of your house.

The perks of being an absolutely crazy bitch, you suppose.

A couple heavy thumps echo from the roof as Ivan starts building up your house. Distantly, you wonder where all the grist everyone’s using is coming from. You know Canada downloaded some program that lets him pirate America’s grist, but there’s no way he has enough for three people to build at once, unless he’s done nothing but kill an endless wave of imps since he got into the Medium.

…Actually, he may have done exactly that. He is America, after all.

Your musings are interrupted by a Pesterchum notification.

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering gracefulNightshade [GN]

GG: hello!

GG: i know this is probably kind of weird, but my names jade!

GG: i think you got a message from one of my friends earlier

GG: tentacleTherapist?

GN: i did

GG: oh, okay good!

GN: why are you contacting me

GN: my brother said the others have been messaged as well

GN: why are you and your friends interested in our game?

GG: well, were kinda relying on you guys to win! hehe :B

GN: how so

GG: we played the game… oh boy, i think we started close to four years ago!

GG: and we fucked up really bad right at the beginning

GG: that kind of messed up the rest of the game for us, and we couldn’t win

GG: so now were trapped in the space outside your session, and 

GG: dont quote me on this

GG: but right now it looks like the only way for us to not spend the rest of eternity stuck here is for you guys to finish the game and tag along when you claim your prize

GN: wow

GN: that is some unbelievably shitty luck right there

GG: i know, right?

GG: its even worse considering we technically have a literal god of luck on our side

GN: technically?

GG: well yeah, like she SHOULD be on our side because she played the game with us and all, but who knows what shes really doing :/

GN: hm

GN: okay

GG: anyway, thats whats up!

GG: if you have any questions about the game, feel free to ask me!

GN: i will

GN: thank you, jade

GG: youre welcome!

GG: also i was wondering, whats your name?

You nearly respond as Belarus, but pause. Is she human? You don’t know anything about alien names (the only alien you’ve ever met is Tony, who has an extremely human name, thanks to America) but Jade is a fairly normal, human name. If you were to respond with the name of a country, that might lead to uncomfortable questions. Loss of a valuable source of information in this new hellscape.

Actually, who the hell cares if she’s human? Earth doesn’t exist anymore. The concept of Belarus as a country is nothing more than a memory. It’s just a name. Your name.

You backspace anyway.

GN: natalia

GG: thats a pretty name!

GN: thank you

GG: hey i should probably go

GG: someones screaming again ugh

GG: ill talk to you later!

GG: bye!

GN: bye

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering gracefulNightshade [GN]

You’re already in a new and obviously hostile environment with no known way to meet up with anyone else. The last thing you need to do is have an identity crisis, you tell yourself.

The identity crisis looms in the back of your mind. The rational part of your brain whacks it with a rolled-up newspaper before it can piss on the carpet and turns back to its crossword.

Stabbing things sounds like a good distraction, you think. America’s grist won’t last forever.

You check on Katyusha one last time— in her room, fiddling with the alchemizer, no imps in sight— and captchalogue your computer.

You wonder if the imps you stared down are still outside.

**> Be someone else.**

You are now Renato Vargas, personification of the Principality of Seborga, and you have little to no idea what in the fresh fuck is going on.

About fifteen minutes ago, Monaco sent you an email with no subject line, containing all of three sentences and two very large, slightly suspicious files that turned out to be different versions of a probably-pirated video game.

_The apocalypse is upon us. Play to survive. Start with the server, worry about the client later._

You, never one to ignore cryptic instructions, especially not ones from your friends, did just that. And now you have a meteor barreling towards you at Very Fast kmph and one of your brothers shouting at you over the phone as he tries to save your life.

What a day.

You pause to catch your breath as the totem lathe carves the dowel thingy into a weird vase-looking thing. Lovino has somehow gotten onto a tangent about the time he thought you had been kidnapped because you went to Australia without telling him. Under any other circumstances, you’d be curious as to how he ended up there, but you’re a bit too stressed to care right now.

“Lovi,” you say, cutting him off, “I’m really sorry, okay? I didn’t know this would happen.”

“Yeah, well, sorry doesn’t change much, does it?” He snatches the totem from the lathe and flings it down the stairs at the alchemiter.

“Monaco said— I mean, the world’s ending anyways, this is just a way to survive, you know?” You go chasing after the totem rolling across your living room floor. “So… this— playing— was probably the best choice, all things considered. Or I think so, anyway.”

Lovino goes quiet long enough for you to think he hung up on you. “This game can only fit twelve people, Renato,” he finally says. “Twelve. You and I are the ninth and tenth. If we get Feli to play too, that only leaves room for one more person after us. I almost…” He trails off.

…Is he crying?

Your countdown reaches ten seconds. Your brother’s fucked up emotional state is going to have to wait. You kick your newly-alchemized vase to pieces, and the world fades to black.

Lovino has actually hung up on you by the time you regain awareness. Or maybe it’s just your lack of reception. Possibly both.

theOtherone [TO] began pestering europeanVegas [EV]

TO: ok i’m in the medium, what happens now?

EV: Fight imps and wait for your server to build up your house

EV: It might take a while though, America and Belarus are the only ones getting really any grist right now

EV: Certainly not enough to pay for nine people building at the same time

EV: Who’s your server?

TO: lovi

EV: Ah

TO: why did you send the game to me?

EV: What do you mean?

TO: i mean, out of everyone you know, why me?

TO: i don’t mean to sound ungrateful, i’m just confused

TO: i would’ve thought you’d send it to like

TO: luxembourg or liechtenstein

TO: you’re friends with them, right?

EV: They didn’t respond.

TO: oh…

EV: Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t send it to you just because they weren’t there!

EV: I would’ve sent it to you anyway

EV: I care about you too, I don’t want to see you die

TO: awh :)

**> Ew, emotions on main.**

> _Oh, shut up._

**> Matthew: Wake up.**

You wake up face down on the floor.

Your bed is missing.

Why is your bed missing?

You prop yourself up on your elbows, look around your room, and— oh, there’s your bed. It’s stood up on one end, leaning against your door. You turn over and see that the window is blocked too, the dresser laying in front of it on its side. The alchemiter, some other thing you don’t recognize, and about twenty cruxite dowels are piled against the wall next to you.

Did Katya barricade you in your room while you were asleep?

You retrieve your laptop from your sylladex and see that she messaged you about an hour ago, confirming that yes, she did in fact do exactly that. You have imps now, it seems. She dumped the alchemiter in your room so you could make things, which you have no idea how to do.

You check up on Al— running around like a headless chicken with Tony, punching things and (you hope) looking for his server— and add some more onto the probably-very-unstable tower on his roof.

You wonder how long it’ll be before all your building inevitably falls over. Even now, you’re not even to the first gate and it already looks like his house could be knocked over by a stiff breeze.

Kuma floats through the wall. “Hey, you.”

“Yeah?”

“There are imps in the hallway.”

“I know.” You can hear them bouncing off the walls outside. One or two are battering at the barricaded door, but your bed is staying strong.

“Are you going to fight them?”

“Eh. Not right now.” Alfred is sprinting up the narrow staircases you built with absolutely no regard for his safety. You watch him trip and nearly fall four stories before he catches himself on the edge of the roof. Idiot. Honestly, that’s what he gets for doing all this without his glasses.

Wait, where are his glasses?

mapleVeranda [MV] began pestering freedomBurger [FB]

MV: Al, what happened to your glasses?

FB: what

FB: oh

FB: dropped them

MV: Where?

FB: into the void lol

MV: Al what the fuck

FB: look i didnt mean to ok!

FB: but i mean if u could get me up to the gate that would be great cause then i could go find them

MV: Oh my fucking god

MV: How durable are they

MV: Would they even survive the fall

FB: i hope so my backups are also busted

MV: Do you have any contacts?

FB: no

FB: i’m just running around blind lmao

MV: Okay then

MV: Have you found your server yet

FB: haha okay you’re not gonna believe this

MV: Oh no

FB: so i did find it

FB: but an imp got to it first so tony killed it

FB: and then the envelope fell off the edge so i tried to catch it and almost fell myself and thats how i lost my glasses

FB: which is another reason why i would really like to be able to get up to the gate now 

MV: ,,,,,,,,,,Al

MV: How

FB: 

FB: so how was ur nap

MV: Decent? I dunno had some weird dreams

FB: o cool

FB: dreams about what

MV: Purple

MV: I’m going to build shut up for a second

Building goes faster than it did before. You’ve reached a point where you can just copy layers of house and paste them on top of each other, and there is a truly obscene amount of grist flowing through GristTorrent. The house manages to reach the first gate without collapsing in on itself, Al following the cursor up. When he turns the right way, you can see the horribly yellow Pesterchum interface, and you wonder who he’s talking to. It looks like one big wall of blue text.

MV: Okay there you are, gate one

MV: Go get your Texas

FB: aw yeah thanks mattie

MV: Who are you talking to?

FB: john

FB: hes gonna help me find the server or smth

FB: since you won’t be able to see me

MV: I won’t?

FB: no you can only see my house

MV: Alright then

He climbs the last flight of stairs and doesn’t hesitate, just jumps right in. The gate lights up blue, spins rapidly, and for a moment Alfred is a single, vague silhouette against the light. Then the light disappears, the gate stops spinning, and he’s nowhere to be seen.

**> Alfred: Enter.**

The glow of the gate fades, and you find yourself standing on solid ground. You can’t see much of the land around you in your current blind-as-fuck state, just a lot of red and white. You squint up at the sky, which is a solid blanket of dark blue, dotted with little lights you think might be stars. A dialogue box pops up next to you.

 _Land of Stars and Stripes._ Oh, yeah, real funny, Sburb. You get the feeling whichever motherfucker named this place is laughing at you from beyond the fourth wall right now.

FB: ok what now?

EB: oh boy hold on

EB: i don’t know which direction your house is in, maybe try to find a consort village?

FB: a what

EB: there are these villages of yellow salamanders all over your planet, they should be able to tell you which way to go

EB: i’ll try to get a map set up for you

FB: ok

You meander off in a direction, hoping to stumble across a salamander. The ground's uneven even in the best of places, like it was a race of sentient amphibians that cut this rough path through the wilderness, not quite used to being on land.

> _...I mean. Salamander villages. Not quite sure what he was expecting._

You push onwards, brushing aside red plants that reach at you from off the path. You don’t see the white shape in front of you until you bump into it— or it bumps into you, you’re not sure. It comes up to your waist, and feels vaguely like polyester. You look down, and it looks up.

You blink. “Um… hello.”

The thing turns out to be a yellow shape wrapped in white cloth (which is probably actual polyester, then) and very much alive. A salamander? It opens its mouth and blows a large blue bubble at you, then does an excited sort of tap dance. It flaps its white covering at you.

“Behold my robes?”

Another text box pops up in front of you, offering you a choice.

> Behold robes? 
> 
> > y > n

What the fuck is this game?

**> y**

You behold the salamander’s robes. “Oh, uh, that’s… nice.” You’re pretty sure those are actually your living room curtains, but who cares? “Hey, do you know the way to—”

The salamander gasps excitedly and bounces around some more, bubbles flying freely from its mouth. You really don’t want to know what those bubbles are made of. “Yes! Yes, they are nice! They came from the sky, the clothes of heaven, of the Knight!”

“The… Knight?”

Your new salamander friend does another little jig. “Yes! Yes, the Knight! The Knight of Breath, his house is here and that means he will come soon, he will save us from the darkness, yes!”

“O…kay.” You crouch down to the salamander’s level. “Do you know where his house is?”

It nods excitedly. “This way! This way, this way!” It scurries past you— back the way you came. Well. You follow it down a steep hill, trying to keep up. It’s unfairly fast for something with legs a foot long.

You keep one blurry eye on the little guy and use the other to check your phone.

EB: here!

EB: googleLOSAS

FB: google losas?

EB: it’s like google earth, but with your planet

FB: losas?

EB: losas

EB: land of stars and stripes

FB: ok im not even going to ask how you know that

FB: but thanks

FB: i ran into a salamander and its taking me back to my house

EB: oh, cool!

EB: i think you should be fine then

FB: yeah

FB: i’ll bother you if i get stuck again

freedomBurger [FB] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

God, you’re tired. You’re definitely going to follow Matt’s example and crash for a few hours once this is all sorted out.

You nearly run into the salamander again as it stops suddenly. “This is as far as I’ll go,” it says. All the innocent excitement is gone from its voice. It looks up at you with serious black eyes. “You can see the spire. His house is on top.” It turns and trots back along the path without another word.

 _That,_ you think, _was fucking weird._ Whatever. You can see your house high above you, blurry though it may be, held up by the pillar of earth. There aren’t any of the white paths you followed here leading down to right by the pillar, where the server and your glasses would be, and so you find yourself scrambling through the weird red undergrowth towards the tower of dirt.

MV: Uh, Al, you ok?

MV: You just kind of disappeared and I know you said I wouldn’t be able to see you but still

MV: This is weird

FB: oh yeah i’m fine

FB: trying to find my shit

MV: Okay good

FB: i met a salamander wearing one of my curtains

MV: A what

FB: yeah it was kinda weird 

FB: but hey it helped my find the bottom of the tower thing my house is on so

MV: Nice

FB: do you know who my clients gonna be?

MV: Um

MV: Arthur I think

FB: oh?

MV: Yeah I’m pretty sure

MV: 3 or 4 Italies are in and I think he’s Feli’s server?

FB: nice nice

FB: ok i need to look for shit hold on

Truth be told, you have no clue what you’re even looking for. You’re mostly searching for anything beige and squarish on the ground. The server and your glasses would’ve fallen in the same place, right?

Something definitely not beige or square catches your eye. A tattered black shape fluttering in the light breeze. A closer look tells you that it’s an umbrella, the canopy thoroughly destroyed. Oh hell yes, you’re close. You have to be. You cast about for anything even remotely resembling the envelope or your glasses, and— there. Something glinting faintly in the dim starlight, between a red smudge you think is a rock and an equally red, twisty smudge that’s probably some kind of stunted tree.

You and your glasses are reunited at long last (you’re being a bit dramatic, it’s been, what, two hours at the most?) and the world finally comes into focus. The planet you landed on looks like someone barfed the Fourth of July onto the Southwestern countryside, but you couldn’t care less. You can _see._

FB: ok first thing im doing once iggy’s in the game is alchemizing a backup texas cause holy shit

FB: i don’t think i ever truly appreciated glasses before now

MV: Backup Texas

FB: backup texas

MV: Double the Texas double the

MV: Idk what do they have in Texas

FB: bro

MV: Double the space program

FB: houston i have so many problems

MV: Is one of them Arthur’s impending doom

FB: i was more thinking of the lizard villagers stealing my curtains but that too lol

You plop down on a rock and pull the server out of its envelope. It has, remarkably, survived the fall from your house unscathed. You pop the disc into your laptop and watch the loading screen do the swirly thing it so likes doing.

MV: His client’s already set up so I think it should connect automatically?

MV: You might want to speed through it he doesn’t sound too good

FB: yeah i’m planning on it

The server finishes loading. You wiggle impatiently for the few seconds it takes to connect to Arthur’s client and render your view of his house. You toss a couch cushion at the back of his head, just to let him know you’re there. He scowls at the cursor and you grin, cracking your knuckles.

Time to speedrun the rest of the end of the world.

**> Skip to the end.**

Your name is Arthur Kirkland. You are doing your best not to die as your idiot brotherson makes a mess of your house. Why you of all people had to end up being Alfred’s client player on top of an Italy brother’s server, you’ll never know. The universe just hates you today, apparently.

The cursor is floating around your house at the moment, looking for a place to put the cruxtruder. You aren’t too optimistic about what your countdown will look like. The entire neighborhood is all but destroyed already. Your house is one of the last ones standing.

Really, you just aren’t in the best of moods right now, what with having to deal with idiots on both sides of the game on top of the massive amounts of pain you’re in from the literal apocalypse reigning supreme across your land outside. So it’s a thoroughly unwelcome surprise when you start being pestered on that horribly yellow app that has become your sole method of communication.

freedomBurger [FB] began pestering britishWizard [BW]

FB: dude why is uncle al’s dead body in your study

FB: also this is alfred btw

BW: Yes, that’s what I figured.

BW: Have you found a place to put the cruxtruder? I would prefer not to die here.

FB: uhhhhhh yes its in ur study

FB: with the dead body

FB: why is there a dead body

You rush up to your study. The countdown reads 0:37. Oh, that’s not good. You unceremoniously shove your oldest brother’s corpse to the side and grab a mallet to open the cruxtruder. Alfred takes a moment to beat you to it, dropping a chair on the machine before going back to blowing up your phone.

FB: dude seriously

FB: dead body

FB: why is that there

BW: He was in the area and got killed by all the fire. He’ll probably still revive, now can we focus? I have thirty seconds!

FB: right

The totem lathe moves much too slow for your liking. You spare a glance at the countdown: twenty seconds remaining. And of course, the alchemiter is downstairs. You grab the totem and move towards the door as fast as you can. Your legs feel like they’re on fire, and you’re coughing up smoke. Your hands are shaking. Fuck, you don’t know what you were expecting the apocalypse to feel like, but it wasn’t this bad. A faster death, at the very least.

You’ve only just reached the edge of your desk when you collapse, your vision going fuzzy. The countdown is moving much faster than it has any right to— you’re pretty fucking sure seconds are at least a bit longer than that. You struggle halfway to your feet before another wave of pain washes over you and your legs give out entirely. 

0:05.

That’s it. You’re going to die here.

0:04.

The cursor snatches the totem off of the floor and disappears from the room. You’re distantly aware of your phone buzzing on the floor next to you, but you don’t have the energy to reach for it.

0:03.

You wonder if not having a full session will change anything for the others. Someone’s going to have to take over being Veneziano’s server, right?

0:02.

You sigh and let your head fall back against the rug. There’s nothing you can do anymore but try to make your last seconds of life a bit more comfortable. You wonder what happens after a permanent death.

0:01.

That meteor is much louder than you were expecting it to be.

0:00.

There’s a sharp pang in your chest as the wards on your house begin to draw energy from you— energy you aren’t sure you have. From your position on the floor, you can see the world outside lighting up green with magic, and then a massive explosion rocks the house and flaming chunks of rock go flying in every direction.

The countdown reads 3:00.

What the hell?

The cursor returns with a green glowing bottle and an old, ratty stuffed bear you think used to be New Zealand’s. The bottle’s set down in front of you, the bear flung into the kernelsprite. You chuck the bottle at the wall with the rest of your remaining strength, and it shatters. Something shifts in the corner of your vision, and you’re turning to see what it is when the world goes black.

You wake up feeling incredibly hungover, but otherwise fine. Your eyes slowly adjust to the darkness as you sit up. The only source of light is the agitated-looking sprite in the corner, which looks like a mix between Kaelin’s bear and—

Oh.

Oh no.

“Oi Albion, you mind explaining what the bloody fuck is going on?” Alistair demands, glaring at you with green button eyes. You let out several choice swear words and snatch up your phone.

BW: Alfred, did you prototype Alistair??

FB: wat

FB: oh shit

FB: i did not

FB: i think he just flopped over into the kernelsprite lmao

FB: oh this is amazing

BW: Amazing?! I have to deal with this twat as my sprite for the rest of the game!

FB: hahahaha still

BW: No! Is there any way to undo this?

FB: nope

FB: tell him hi for me :)

FB: anyway gtg matties bugging me

freedomBurger [FB] ceased pestering britishWizard [BW]

BW: ALFRED FRANCIS JONES

You sigh and turn back to face your new guide. He looks no less peeved than before. “So, _dear brother,_ are you going to tell me what the hell is happening?”

“Shouldn’t you know? After all, you’re the one with all the magical game knowledge,” you hiss.

He gives you an indignant look. “I know about the game, what I don’t know about is why I’m a floating green bear with no legs! What’s that about?”

You get up to leave. “Your body fell into the kernelsprite. Believe me, it was not my intention to end up with _you_ as a sprite.” You walk out before he can respond. You don’t have the patience for a full conversation right now. Right now, you need to find some painkillers and figure out what to do next.

Twelve nations. Twelve nations survived the end of the world. No, not even twelve, because three of those spots were filled by various Italies. And two of those nations are America and Russia, who are now in a place with no political charades to keep up and nobody but Matthew to restrain them from tearing each other’s throats out.

You have a feeling it’s going to be a long game.

**> Eject disc 1.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Accidentally Long chapter because i tried to write a chapter without america in it but look who wormed his way in u_u
> 
> i'm attempting to figure out work skins because the doc i'm writing on is really pretty with all the chatlog colors but i failed to take into consideration the fact that i suck at anything and everything related to computers so uh  
> it ain't going so well  
> if anyone knows how that works please hmu because the tutorial i found is very confusing and i Cannot
> 
> session order (for convenience):  
> America <\- Canada <\- Ukraine <\- Belarus <\- Russia <\- China <\- France <\- Monaco <\- Seborga <\- Romano <\- Veneziano <\- England


	5. Step Away from the Narrative, Bucko.

**> Eject disc 1.**

Rose turns from the computer to look at you. “So, what do you think?” She minimizes the tab with the twelve you just finished watching. “Interested in looking at the rest of them?”

“The rest of them? Shouldn’t that be all of them? Twelve is the max, right?” You blow your hair away from your face and lean forward, elbows on knees, to look closer at the full list of players. “Oh shit. That’s a lot.” That’s a bit of an understatement. There have got to be at least thirty chumhandles lined up on the side of her screen for you to view. You’ve counted up to about fifteen when Rose speaks again.

“Yes. They’re a quadruple session.”

“Quadruple? Four whole sessions?” That’s almost fifty players, which is, as previously stated, a fucking lot. “Wait, why are we seeing all of them? Shouldn’t there be one we’re focusing on, like the trolls did?” If you’re being honest with yourself, you just don’t want to have to keep up with that many new people. You can barely remember the names of the seven trolls in the lab, you don’t need forty-eight more stuffed into your head.

“This is different. They’re all equally relevant to the continuation of our little bubble of paradox space, so if we’re going to be watching them, we should be watching _all_ of them.”

“And you know this how?”

Rose just gives you her Mysterious Seer Smile. “Gut feeling.”

Well, who are you to argue with that? “Damn. Okay. They look like they got a much more complicated version of Sburb than we did.”

She nods. “They did.” Another few clicks brings up a new viewing port, this one with a dark-haired teenage boy. Boy? You think that’s a guy. The resolution is horrible, though, so who knows. “I’m going to watch the rest. You can stay if you like. Maybe we can figure out what’s going on with their session. Guide them, even.”

You look at the viewport, then the kid’s full window. That’s a Time player, if the weird-ass timeline is anything to go by. You sigh and readjust your shades. “Yeah, okay. Not like I’ve got much going on anyway.”

Rose smiles. “Alright.” She scrolls back to the earliest viewable point, the morning the game begins, and you settle in to watch.

**> Enter disc 2.**


End file.
